girl firend tricks

This was taken from my friend Chris's blog. Pretty funny and oddly informative stuff.

every year, millions (yes millions) of guy's are killed by girlfriends, for what is deemed as no apparent reason. these y chromosome protectors are wrongfully accused of insensitivity, forgetfulness, and infidelity and as a result suffer torment, pain, and death by their female slave drivers. in hopes to help protect my fellow kinsmen, i have developed (in conjunction with the monkeys of uzbekistan) this girlfriend survival tip kit, in hopes to help my brothers out.

so if you're a female...stop reading. this is not for you! go read your feminine magazines, or go have pillow fights, or paint your nails, or fight for woman's rights or whatever you girls do - cause this one's for the fellas

shoulder pads
no, not the football kind - but the old 80's woman's clothing shoulder pads. except you're not going to use it on your shoulders, you're gonna use them on your biceps - cause let's face it, if there's one place girls are gonna slap, pinch, or grab while she giggles, pouts, or gets hoppin pissed, it will be there. you can find these shoulder pads in your mom's closet - just look for clothes under "80's"
DO NOT: use the shoulder pads against her. it will be tempting, now that you have huge biceps to battleram her like a goat, but try to resist. also, don't put the shoulder pads on your chest either. yeah, just don't do that.

back-up present
i know it's not your anniversary, i know it's not christmas, or her birthday, nor is it the "important" anniversary of the first time you shared a milkshake together - but get her a present now and then store it somewhere. i kid you not - you'll thank me later. every boy scout knows that it's best to "be prepared". and if you're like any other guy, there will be a day when you forget her birthday, your anniversary, and even christmas. Let alone the day she's having a miserable day - how 007 would it be if you whipped out a pre-wrapped present and totally made it look like you planned the whole thing.
DO NOT: get her a present that simply doesn't fit her. examples - clothing (trust me, no matter what, you do NOT know her size) in addition, tickets to WWE smackdown, isn't exactly her idea of a night out.

packs and kits
can't think of a good present? and will your wallet commit suicide if it tried getting that stupid LV bag she wants? one type of present girls love are presents that have time and thought into them. for example, if you were to just buy her a DVD of her favorite movie - that's sweet and all, but make it into a pack or kit. throw in some popcorn, some candy, maybe some pajamas - bam you made a whole kit and a much much better present.
DO NOT: mix with random objects. for example with her favorite DVD if you got her a He-man action figure, some pencils, and korean ginseng - it simply would not make sense and instead she'll see that you found all this stuff in your house and you put it in a grocery bag to give to her.

colors
when it comes to colors, it's a known thing that guys are color-blind. we do not know how to match. it's just a fact. this is where the gal pal comes in handy. look through all 5 of your friends and hope that there's a girl in there somewhere. when picking any gift that has color in it, always consult her first - either take a picture of it, or bring her with you.
DO NOT: ask your gal pal who also happens to be an international runway model. that's just dumb. might as well just look at your girlfriend in the face, give her the flourescent green and dark purple purse you bought her and tell her she's ugly.

learn the monthly terminology
you know what i'm talking about right? yes that's right, the big "." the monthly visitor of your girlfriend that will wreak havoc and menace to you for a week. granted - sometimes you may not see the ill effects of it - but it's fooling you - it's only hibernating. in any event - learn everything about the 'bandages' associated with it. from the wings to the scented and unscented to the brand names (yes, brand names are important even on this level) to even learning what toxic shock syndrome is. that way on that unfateful day when she's in so much pain that she can't go out and get it herself she will send you, oh brave messenger, to fetch it for her. and trust me - nothing is worse than looking clueless in that aisle at your local supermarket.
DO NOT: tell her to "get it yourself!" then you can count on losing an appendage.

hallmark notes
ever hear that phrase "when there's something to be said, someone already said it better?" well take advantage of it. let's face it- we're terrible at words. if it's up to us we would be happier just grunting and screaming "yeaaaaah" most of the time. so when it comes to coming up with the right words - take notes. and there's no better place than going to your local hallmark store and going to the "love" cards and just reading up on that stuff. while you're at it - buy a card and then copy all the words from the surrounding cards and write it into that card. BAM - instantly you have a uber love card.
DO NOT: accidently pick up a "You're over the hill" card. and also make sure you know how to read.

the little things
memorize the little things about her. they are totally different from us - we care about the big expensive electronic things - they care about the little things. memorizing her whole face, where her house is, stuff like that - not important. but girls love it when you remember the little things - like her favorite childhood doll, the last book she really liked (extra points if you read it too), or counting how many different ways she pouts.
DO NOT: memorize something that she sees as a flaw - "i love that little hair sticking out of that mole on your forehead." yeah - don't mention that.

never leave it up to her
for some reason the X chromosome lacks a special gene in it. and that's to make decisions. give a girl a menu or choices to restaurants or choices to movies - and i guarantee you - you will be staying home as she's still pondering what to do. they do not know how to pick something. luckily you have a Y chromosome on your belt which gives you the power to make decisions in no time. however, fight that first initial inkling to pick tater tots at the deli down the street while watching "sorority girls and the serial killer" with her, but decide on what she would like. that's right - you make the decisions - just cater it to her. and then after the date's over, grab your buddies and go watch "sorority girls and the serial killer."
DO NOT:forget to bring her. after you do all this planning and decision making it will be easy to forget why you're doing it. before you know it - there you are watching sleepless in seattle - by yourself.

and honesty
i took a survey a while back to find out what women look for in a man first - and it was honesty. let's admit it - there's a lot of jerk guys out there ruining it for nice guys like us. so we gotta bring balance to all of this and be the ones that shine. yes - she will continue to pick the bad boy, and she will continue to be with the guy that mistreats her - but there's the saying "nice guy's finish last". and that's absolutely right - those are the guys that all girls end up with.
DO NOT: mention the fact that you still live with your parents and you're unemployed. it's technically still honest if you take the 5th.

You can get more of chris here.

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Chris's blog